Third Year’s The Charm
Executive summary: It’s been three years since I went on “indefinite mat leave” after my daughter was born, and I have to say: the job of being a “full-time parent” is becoming less arduous and more rewarding as our kids grow older. Our days are still busy and chaotic, but full of energy and fun too.
My daughter is turning 3 this month, which I think of as an inflection point: in my mind, it’s the age at which children transition from seeming more like babies to seeming more like little kids. Good, I’m sooo ready! We’ve been in “baby jail” for the past 6.5 years (as little sis was born when big bro was 3.5yo). My daughter’s birthday is also the anniversary of me leaving corporate America, which is a decision I still stand by, but which I also periodically reflect on. It wasn’t easy walking away from a career I’d invested so much time, effort, and money (the MBA) into, but I still maintain it was the right thing to do for me and for my family. (My original thoughts are here, and an update from last year is here.) I’ve been so grateful to finally have the chance to take a break and a breath after many years of keeping my nose to the grindstone, even through COVID with two full-time jobs but zero daycare. These days, I’m hardly living a life of leisure while providing my own full-time childcare (my days are still packed — I wrote a schedule here last year and it’s largely the same now), but it’s such a relief and a privilege to be able to focus exclusively on my family, especially during a time of multiple transitions (hubby’s faculty search, buying a home, moving, the return to academia).
I paused my career for these two silly little people … and I have absolutely no regrets!
My mental well-being (and hopefully that of my family) has improved so much since I stepped away. I no longer feel guilty about having to leave the kids in school/childcare all day, or being too snappy with them because I’m on a strict schedule with meetings scheduled every 15 minutes. I know my 6yo likes being able to come home and unwind ~3pm, instead of spending all afternoon in after-school care. I know my 2yo likes (needs?) to have me at her coop, where we can play and learn together (she has extreme stranger danger). Both kids love having playdates with their friends, which I wouldn’t have the time or mental bandwidth to arrange if I were still in a demanding job. (And playdates help us meet other parents, which is good socialization for the adults too.) I’ve also been able to take them to lessons — my son is enthusiastic about playing the piano (we’ll see how long that lasts), while my daughter gets to enjoy “gymnastics” and “music class.” I spend 1-2 hours chauffeuring them around daily, walking/driving them to/from school and to/from activities, but it doesn’t bother me. It’s so rewarding to see our kids grow up and develop skills and interests.
It’s a stretch to call this “gymnastics,” but whatever floats her boat, er, balls.
Another thing I no longer feel guilty about is my husband’s career. That guy has seriously big brains, and I want to give him time to use them. He just earned his fourth Best Paper Award (somehow it’s been one every three years since 2016) — many professors are honored if they can claim even one! I try to make it easier for him to do his job, by freeing up both the temporal and the mental load of everyday responsibilities. With two young kids, there are always a million things to consider and do, and it just takes SO MUCH TIME to chase them around, feed them, play with them, teach them, clothe them, clean up after them, etc. etc. etc. Hubby rarely utters a word of complaint, but I know it’s nearly impossible to get in a full day’s worth of work around our two human hurricanes, so I do what I can to free up his time and his brain to do the brilliant research that he (and very few other people on earth, TBH) is capable of. When we both worked, it was a struggle to figure out who could step back and, say, stay home with the kids if they were sick (which is very often with young children), or if they get a random day off at school (which is surprisingly frequent, and was even more so in the days of COVID-induced shutdowns). I suppose we could’ve gone the route of hiring nannies around the clock (a solution used my many overloaded dual career families), but hubby and I have taken a DIY approach to raising our children, rightly or wrongly. So this is where we’re at.
The last thing I’ll say in this year’s reflection (a plug for minimalism!) is that living small and intentionally helps to support our one outside-of-the-home working parent model. I’ll be blunt: the difference in our household income now vs. before I left McKinsey and before hubby went back to academia is 3-fold. We built up a meaningful nest egg during our high earning years, which is why I’m not stressed about our career decisions, but we also save a lot on housing (I estimate $15-30k/year in taxes, interest, etc.) by buying a 2br condo instead of a bigger 3-4br single family home. And by largely DIYing our own childcare, we’re saving $30k/year between my son’s after-school care (2 days/week instead of 5 days/week) and my daughter’s coop (4 mornings/week with summers off instead of full-time year-round preschool). Now, I admit that the salary in my career far exceeds the cost of childcare, but cutting out $30k/year of expenses (which works out to be the equivalent of ~$50k of pre-tax income) is nothing to sneeze at. Hubby and I could perhaps be considered members of the FIRE (financial independence, retire early) club in spirit: we value the degree of financial freedom we get with front-loading our savings and making deliberate choices like living smaller. That approach has been a key component in my decision to remain out of the workforce and at home with my family for the time being.
All in all, my primary feeling lately has been one of contentment (which is marred only when I read the news these days, or if my toddler is having a nonstop meltdown sort of day). My 6yo is developing more and more interests (he’s very STEM-heavy — must’ve gotten daddy’s brains) while my almost-3yo is acting more and more like a big kid (thank goodness, we’re looking forward to breaking out of baby jail). My husband is in his element as a professor (the recent heavy cuts to research and university funding notwithstanding). We purchased our first home this year and have finally “settled down” in a lovely (albeit super expensive) area. It really does feel like we’re hitting our stride three years in … although I’m placing my bets that it’ll continue to get even better, at least until our kids’ teenage years hit us like a semi-truck loaded to the brim with adolescent hormones!